Friday, July 25, 2014

50 Shades of Grey Lingerie!

The trailer for "50 Shades of Grey" has been released and belt buckles are being undone around the world!  With a genius plan of opening the movie on Valentine's Day, you know every woman will be dragging her man to see it.  I can hear the guys moaning already.  But trust me, if you just hang in there and go with your girl, you’ll be moaning again sooner than you think ;)
Men, just think about what will happen during this film. The sexy dialogue gets you both in the mood and all hot n heavy.  Meanwhile, you had to provide zero energy for that mood alteration. Most guys despise Valentine's Day because of the pressure and expected romantic gestures.  Well cut to- you walk out of the theater hand in hand, smirking because you know the gift waiting at home is handcuffs and a blindfold. If there's any time to "take the relationship to the next level", this is it! The mood is romantic JUST BECAUSE OF THE MOVIE and next thing you know this chick flick turned the rest of the evening into a dick flick!  The paint by numbers plot line of titillating Christian Grey will leave you painting your way from 1st base to rounding 3rd and if you’re slick (or she’s a ho) hitting a home run!

Watching Jamie Dornan deliver sappy lines gives the dude credit to drag her ass to another Iron Man sequel.  Another thought for the girls, make it a “chick flick” night and go with the ladies.  This will give your guy a chance to miss you and you a chance to refill your love meter without sucking the fun out of his day…just his night ;)
Just the tip:
    1) Splurge on candy at the theater, especially chocolate bc it’s an aphrodisiac!
    2) Wear that mini skirt ladies and don’t forget to shave…everything!

Here's the trailer of the film to get you "teased" for the release. Just give it to us already Mr. Christian Grey!
Tweet me what you're most excited for at : @JillAnenberg

Friday, July 18, 2014

Bullshit Small Talk

"How's it goin'?"  "Good. You?"  "Yeah good too." Small talk is such bullshit. We aren't really asking each other truly how we're doing. Plus on the other hand, no one answers honestly anyways. And if you do, the other person gets uncomfortable and responds with the cliché, "Well ya know everything happens for a reason." Then I'm sure you'll figure out the reason why I kicked you in the balls. 

We feel obligated to give bullshit responses and chat about the dumb ass weather for 10 minutes before having any smidge of a meaningful conversation.  Yes it's hot, yes it's nice, what kind of asshole doesn't enjoy warm weather. Oh there was traffic during traffic hour and you're annoyed. Get the fuck over it and listen to some music.  And please stop chatting in the damn bathroom. Don't look under the stall and compliment my shoes, don't ask if my piss stinks after asparagus too...isn't that why we eat it?  Men making small talk at the urinal is just weird.  Hey man I'll hold your dick if you hold mine.
The worst- So what do you do? I'd like to know so I can judge you based on what you do for money.  Or if you're a Doctor ask a bunch of questions about my poor health and questionable blisters.  Oh you're a comedian, tell me a joke. Um sir, your wife is blowing another guy in the bathroom, your marriage is a joke!

You can use inappropriate small talk to your advantage. Most people are asking lame surface questions that don't help you get to know the other person at all.  I like to take it a step further and divulge something embarrassing or private about myself.  Then make small talk about that.   Statements about virginity loss, the effects of last night's curry, the first time a guy got whisky dick...ya know the fun stuff that happens to us all but no one speaks of.

Let's all stop talking out of our asses about shit no one cares about.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Sun Your Bum!

Sun your bum, it's good for your health! So many of us are stuck indoors staring at computers, in cubicles and just don't get enough natural Vitamin D from the sun.  Take a breather from your annoying cube mate or Facebook feed, c'mon we all know you're on the clock checking up on your friends...and take a walk out doors for some free D.
All you need is 15 minutes to keep your levels up and your stress down.  You can come back and update your status to "in a good mood" because that's what the rays will do for you!  In addition, the glow is also beneficial to your bones by boosting calcium absorption- minimizing the statement, "I've fallen and I can't get up." Instead you can thrust your bones at each other and enjoy his ray of sunshine!

As with all things that are good for us, remember everything in moderation. You don't want to look like this douche and be at the risk for various skin cancers. However this muscle bag is onto something bc all that sun contributes to lower cholesterol. The sun kicks ass by converting high cholesterol in your blood into steroid hormones and sex hormones that we need for reproduction. Even though personally, I never want to see a PaulyD Jr!  Keep your body in the sun and your junk in your pants buddy!

Every now and again the view is pretty tantalizing so more than your good health will be stimulated!  If you're able to translate that good mood into charm, after showing off your moves in the bed one more benefit is sleeping like a baby. Sun regulates your circadian rhythms, so sweet dreams!  
Where's your favorite place to get sun? Tweet me @JillAnenberg

Friday, July 4, 2014

Make a Ho a Housewife!

Bravo turned these ho's into housewives and I had a blast hosting a Re-cap Show of all the dramatic highlights on AfterBuzz TV Network!  What would we do without the guilty pleasure of The Real Housewife's of Beverly Hills.  Bravo did a great job casting these extremely outspoken girls with very different personalities. It gave us a lot to talk about.

With constant fighting, spells being cast and insulting profanities being thrown around, I was armed with fun ammunition and opinionated banter.  These girls love talking shit to each other and giving back handed apologies. "I'm sorry you're too sensitive & mentally slow to realize I was making a generic joke about all blondes. I didn't think you were stupid, until now."

New controversial cast mate this season, Carlton Gebbia, was a guest on our show. And I will say, that was a fun hour bull shitting with her blunt sense of humor. Wow... I thought I said fuck a lot.

Enjoy the highlights from my irreverent, no holding back Recap of the show. A little over a minute and I'm sure you'll be entertained and possibly share the same viewpoints. Tweet me your favorite housewife or what you love about the show at @JillAnenberg