Friday, November 21, 2014

Stairway to a Heavenly Ass

Yes! Walk the damn stairs. Especially if you're only going two flights up, take the stairs. Elevators are gross anyways. People stink, they make uncomfortable dumb small talk and the music sucks. Even more motivation to get those buns burnin'!

                              No more mushy tushy.

Walking the stairs not only burns a ton of calories but also works every muscle in your legs, especially the glutes and calves. Doctor's claim it's twice as taxing as brisk walking and 50 percent harder than walking up a steep hill or even lifting weights. What's more exciting...  cardiologists tell their heart patients that they're fit enough to have sex if they can walk up two or three flights comfortably. So get stepping and get love making!

Strengthen your heart and lungs with each step up. This helps deliver more oxygen enriched blood to your sexy muscle fibers.  As I'm sure you've heard, exercise releases endorphins, this makes you feel happier. So when you get to that 2nd floor you'll be smiling and re-energized while those who took the elevator will get out looking annoyed and humming that stupid song that was playing. 

Tweet me @JillAnenberg where you will take the stairs next!

Friday, November 14, 2014

Hot for Heavy Metal

Sometimes we get tired of the same old workouts.  Sometimes we get tired of the same old partner...but what you do with them can be applied to your exercise routine too!

The Top 5 Ways to re-vamp your love affair with heavy sweating ;)

5) Try out a different position. Maybe you always do the same old boring Bicep Curls exercise. Can you say missionary position.  Try hitting your bi's with some hammer curls, incline that bench & lay back a while or double grip it with a Barbell Curl. Just change up the monotony.

4) Throw a gadget into the mix.  You always see the various fitness balls, resistance bands and other toys but have been to shy to try them out. Ask the hottest trainer to give you a quick tutorial. Maybe all your workout needed was a little variety.

3) Enlist the help of a swing. If you've been doing plain ol' normal yoga, check out an Aerial Yoga class that hangs your limber body from the sky in a sexy silk hammock.  One sure way to get to your splits faster!

2) Make a new playlist.  If you're still trying to get motivated from tunes that expired 10 years ago it's no wonder you can't get your exercise chubby to the gym.  Download some fresh exciting jams and it will enliven your next workout.

1) Aim for at least one set. If you're not in the mood but you know you realllllly should work out, then just tell yourself to start with a quickie warm up and you'll hit one set of every muscle group. Next thing you know you are warmed up, the new tunes are motivating you and maybe you'll rock out the entire workout. If not, at least you did a little something and that does count!

Tweet me some of your favorite ways to keep your Exercise Routine fresh and fun! @JillAnenberg

Friday, November 7, 2014

Rescue Doggystyle!

The only thing I love more than dirty jokes is dogs and kitties!! Animals bring so much happiness, laughter and love into your life and it breaks my heart so many die in shelters daily.

You can change that!! This weekend over 50 local animal shelters and rescuers are coming together to help turn LA into NKLA (No Kill Los Angeles) with a HUGE adoption event at the La Brea Tar Pits. Free admission to meet over 1,000 dogs, cats, puppies and kittens!  For the price of a bar tab and no hangover, you can save your new best friends life. Adoptions start at just 50 bucks!

Plus all pets are spayed or neutered, vaccinated and microchipped. So they'll never go missing from you again. Even better, all adopter get a free starter kit with food, toys and coupons. We all love free gifts!

I'll be volunteering with Wags N Walks...come visit me and let me help you match make your new furry baby.

La Brea Tar Pits
5801 Wilshire Blvd.

Nov. 8- Nov 9th 10am-4pm

Check out the video from the last year. It will definitely melt your heart and make you want to be a part of this life saving event!

Sunday, October 26, 2014

A Ho for Health

I get a health boner learning about all things that encompass nutrition and well being.  There's nothing I love more than talking about it with others...but of course, in my own "Jill Thinks Like Jack" type of way. 

So many people unfortunately have the wrong ideas about food because of mis-advertisement by the food industries and a lot of what is eaten is genetically engineered products. It's no wonder everyone is constipated, how do you expect to shit out fake ingredients when there's no natural fibers leading the way out?! 

I'm excited to announce I'm officially enrolled in The Institute for Integrative Nutrition and in 6 months will be a Certified Health Coach. I'm thrilled to turn this life long passion into a professional endeavor. I'm your go to Fitness & Health girl!

You know I love entertaining and making you laugh, hey think about how hard you flex those ab muscles when you're cracking up at my obscene jokes ;)  But I also want to make you feel good when I'm not around to make inappropriate comments, through your personal nutrition & awesome lifestyle.  

I'll be sharing what I'm learning with a few F-Bombs dropped into the descriptions for good measure. We are all gonna get a lot healthier from this pursuit.  Tweet me anytime @JillAnenberg

Friday, October 3, 2014

Jenner VS Kardashian

Hollywood is all about younger, thinner & prettier. So move those booties over Kardashian Klan because your Jenner sisters are finally out of your big ass shadows. I've got the Top 6 reasons you'll be jerkin' it to a Jenner!

#6 Now when Kim is referred to as Mama, it's literally Mother- who's got a kid cock blocking Daddy from those fun bags. With Kendall and Kylie Jenner it's, "Damn Mama, you looked hot on the cover of Seventeen Magazine."
#5 The Jenner sister's might stuff their bra's for the appearance of bigger boobs...but at least it's not for the reasons Kim and Kourtney stuff.  Mama's gotta prevent breast feeding leakage because that type of "wet" ain't sexy.
#4 Not only can you read about Khloe's failed marriages online...but you can also read who she failed with from the tattoos still on her body. #BonerKiller. Kylie Jenner is so young, that Daddy Bruce doesn't allow tattoos. So you've got a clean canvas to make your own personal mess on.

#3 Kendall is moving on up in the fashion world and struttin' her stuff on the cat walk. The only place the Kardashian sister's are walking is back & forth to the nursery at 2am in the morning. No man is getting laid from the tired chick. 

#2 Aside from evidence in the drastic change in the Kardashian's appearance over the years, most likely attributed to Beverly Hills "add ons"... Kylie and Kendall are au natural. They have yet to be injected by a bunch of men and needles.

#1 The next time Kourtney Kardashian opens her legs, baby number 3 will be screaming it's way out of there. If either of the Jenner sister's open their legs, it's a million dollar pay day from Playboy.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Double Standards Suck

No doubt there are ridiculous behaviors the other sex can do and totally get away with.  Us girls can slap a random guys ass and he's turned on by it, but reverse the tables and that dude's getting slapped right back in the face!

The phrase, "Walk of Shame" doesn't exist for men. They're just walking home in a sexy half unbuttoned shirt with a look of conquer on their face.  Gettin' high fives & head nods from other men on the way home. But if you see a messy haired lady limping home in her too high for daylight heels it's, "Who's that dirty slut?"

I'm jealous it's acceptable for guys to fart. I rip ass and I'm lectured for not being ladylike, my buddy cuts one- we rate it & laugh! And don't act shocked a woman's farts smell's coming from the same place as yours buddy.

On the other hand...chicks can get as frisky and sexual as we want with our girlfriends and it's super hot to the guys. Jokingly slapping each other's asses, maybe squeezin' a titty when the "girls" look good in a top! And no matter what age we are, still sleeping in the same bed on a girls' night. If guys do any of these things- nope not sexy and we assume you're playing for the other team.

As a woman I gotta say I agree with my male friends on this last thing.  Ladies gotta own up to their behavior and stop blaming being a "bitch" on their hormones or "that time of the month." Our poor men can't blame being an asshole on anything else so we shouldn't use our hormonal excuses either.  If you're feeling a rage coming on deal with it between the sheets, it will be a lot more fun for all involved.

Tweet me your double standards thoughts at: @JillAnenberg

Friday, August 22, 2014

Makin' the Drought SEXY

Usually when things are dried up they are not sexy.  But with California's current drought, of course I've got a few ideas how we can remedy the situation while making it appealing and fun.

Hop in the shower with your lover. No need to waste the water twice if you can get dirty and clean together. And yep have sex in there too! No need to make a mess on the sheets and waste a load of water- washing them sooner than necessary. 

There's so many little things we can do to save water, we might not even notice it's on and running.  Turn it off while brushing your teeth and do some squats  instead... tighten that ass while you're whitening your teeth.

Same for the dishes.  Fill up the sink with hot sudsy water so your dirty plates can have a "get clean" orgi. After they've bonded do a quick rinse and don't cover them with a towel but let them air dry au natural.

Ok this one might not be sexy...but my rule "If it's yellow it's mellow." No need to flush the toilet for every piss.  It takes almost 7 gallons of water.  Plus if you don't flush in the middle of the night you're not waking up your honey and that's sexy letting them sleep.  Especially if they're in the middle of a hot dream...but not so hot that you have to change the sheets!

This brings me to the topic of full loads. Nothing hot about a weak small load...ok I'm talking about cleaning. Make sure to pack that baby full of dirty laundry or the dishwasher to capacity to utilize the water used.

Have any sexy drought tips to share? I'd love to hear them.
Tweet me at: @JillAnenberg

Friday, August 8, 2014

I'm A Sick Bitch!

Ok yes I've got a sick sense of humor, but last week I was literally a sick bitch.  As you can see above my dog Simon had sympathy pains for Mama :)  I've been boxing this cold with meds, fluids and every homeopathic option under the sun and this motherfucker is taking it's time getting out of my body.  However while being sick, it's definitely made me think how annoying us sick people can be, sorry. As well, some remedies that have worked for me.  So here's some tips to rock the yuckie without giving a fuckie. haha

1) If you're sick...stay the fuck home. Don't try to "rally" and show up at every social event. No one wants to be social with the person coughing shit up. I don't want  a high five from the red nosed sicko who just sneezed a sinus infection into their hand. Take advantage of this time to live in that cozy bathrobe or those strip club thin sweat pants.
2) Get down with tea bagging! Yep tea bag yourself multiple times a day when you're sick.  Add some sweet honey and ginger to help with throat and nose congestion. Green tea has secret magical Chinese healing powers, so drink that!

3) Suck it!  Stop talking. No one wants to hear for the 10th time you don't feel good, so put a cough drop in your mouth.  My favorite brand is Ricola because they're all natural with health inducing herbs which means you're not putting man made bullshit into your already sick body.

4) Roofie yourself. Okay, not the actual street version of a roofie but the second best choice you've got at CVS that will kick your ass is... Nyquil! Hope you trust your roommates because you're about to be knocked into a deep sleep and not even a sharpie all over your face or a hand in warm water making you piss will wake you up. Tuck yourself in and get ready for some f*cked up dreams in Nyquil land. But that deep sleep will do you good.

5) In my opinion when you start to turn a corner and your snot has changed seasons (green to yellow to clear) it's ok to share this snot art with whoever is lucky enough to be in your company.  This might be the only bright side to being sick all week so you gotta entertain yourself somehow.

6) Medicine doesn't taste good, get over it.  Then again many things don't taste good but we still put them in our mouths because it will make you feel a certain way or get the outcome that you want. So with all things, just take it like a champ, it will all be worth it in the end.

7) It's nice we have friends checking in on us.  It's also super annoying we have friends checking in on us.  Yes I'm still sick, yes it still hurts to talk, yes I'll call you when I'm better which means leave me the fuck alone to just heal in peace over here.

Tweet me at @JillAnenberg and share your remedies or sick pet peeves with me!

Friday, July 25, 2014

50 Shades of Grey Lingerie!

The trailer for "50 Shades of Grey" has been released and belt buckles are being undone around the world!  With a genius plan of opening the movie on Valentine's Day, you know every woman will be dragging her man to see it.  I can hear the guys moaning already.  But trust me, if you just hang in there and go with your girl, you’ll be moaning again sooner than you think ;)
Men, just think about what will happen during this film. The sexy dialogue gets you both in the mood and all hot n heavy.  Meanwhile, you had to provide zero energy for that mood alteration. Most guys despise Valentine's Day because of the pressure and expected romantic gestures.  Well cut to- you walk out of the theater hand in hand, smirking because you know the gift waiting at home is handcuffs and a blindfold. If there's any time to "take the relationship to the next level", this is it! The mood is romantic JUST BECAUSE OF THE MOVIE and next thing you know this chick flick turned the rest of the evening into a dick flick!  The paint by numbers plot line of titillating Christian Grey will leave you painting your way from 1st base to rounding 3rd and if you’re slick (or she’s a ho) hitting a home run!

Watching Jamie Dornan deliver sappy lines gives the dude credit to drag her ass to another Iron Man sequel.  Another thought for the girls, make it a “chick flick” night and go with the ladies.  This will give your guy a chance to miss you and you a chance to refill your love meter without sucking the fun out of his day…just his night ;)
Just the tip:
    1) Splurge on candy at the theater, especially chocolate bc it’s an aphrodisiac!
    2) Wear that mini skirt ladies and don’t forget to shave…everything!

Here's the trailer of the film to get you "teased" for the release. Just give it to us already Mr. Christian Grey!
Tweet me what you're most excited for at : @JillAnenberg

Friday, July 18, 2014

Bullshit Small Talk

"How's it goin'?"  "Good. You?"  "Yeah good too." Small talk is such bullshit. We aren't really asking each other truly how we're doing. Plus on the other hand, no one answers honestly anyways. And if you do, the other person gets uncomfortable and responds with the cliché, "Well ya know everything happens for a reason." Then I'm sure you'll figure out the reason why I kicked you in the balls. 

We feel obligated to give bullshit responses and chat about the dumb ass weather for 10 minutes before having any smidge of a meaningful conversation.  Yes it's hot, yes it's nice, what kind of asshole doesn't enjoy warm weather. Oh there was traffic during traffic hour and you're annoyed. Get the fuck over it and listen to some music.  And please stop chatting in the damn bathroom. Don't look under the stall and compliment my shoes, don't ask if my piss stinks after asparagus too...isn't that why we eat it?  Men making small talk at the urinal is just weird.  Hey man I'll hold your dick if you hold mine.
The worst- So what do you do? I'd like to know so I can judge you based on what you do for money.  Or if you're a Doctor ask a bunch of questions about my poor health and questionable blisters.  Oh you're a comedian, tell me a joke. Um sir, your wife is blowing another guy in the bathroom, your marriage is a joke!

You can use inappropriate small talk to your advantage. Most people are asking lame surface questions that don't help you get to know the other person at all.  I like to take it a step further and divulge something embarrassing or private about myself.  Then make small talk about that.   Statements about virginity loss, the effects of last night's curry, the first time a guy got whisky dick...ya know the fun stuff that happens to us all but no one speaks of.

Let's all stop talking out of our asses about shit no one cares about.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Sun Your Bum!

Sun your bum, it's good for your health! So many of us are stuck indoors staring at computers, in cubicles and just don't get enough natural Vitamin D from the sun.  Take a breather from your annoying cube mate or Facebook feed, c'mon we all know you're on the clock checking up on your friends...and take a walk out doors for some free D.
All you need is 15 minutes to keep your levels up and your stress down.  You can come back and update your status to "in a good mood" because that's what the rays will do for you!  In addition, the glow is also beneficial to your bones by boosting calcium absorption- minimizing the statement, "I've fallen and I can't get up." Instead you can thrust your bones at each other and enjoy his ray of sunshine!

As with all things that are good for us, remember everything in moderation. You don't want to look like this douche and be at the risk for various skin cancers. However this muscle bag is onto something bc all that sun contributes to lower cholesterol. The sun kicks ass by converting high cholesterol in your blood into steroid hormones and sex hormones that we need for reproduction. Even though personally, I never want to see a PaulyD Jr!  Keep your body in the sun and your junk in your pants buddy!

Every now and again the view is pretty tantalizing so more than your good health will be stimulated!  If you're able to translate that good mood into charm, after showing off your moves in the bed one more benefit is sleeping like a baby. Sun regulates your circadian rhythms, so sweet dreams!  
Where's your favorite place to get sun? Tweet me @JillAnenberg

Friday, July 4, 2014

Make a Ho a Housewife!

Bravo turned these ho's into housewives and I had a blast hosting a Re-cap Show of all the dramatic highlights on AfterBuzz TV Network!  What would we do without the guilty pleasure of The Real Housewife's of Beverly Hills.  Bravo did a great job casting these extremely outspoken girls with very different personalities. It gave us a lot to talk about.

With constant fighting, spells being cast and insulting profanities being thrown around, I was armed with fun ammunition and opinionated banter.  These girls love talking shit to each other and giving back handed apologies. "I'm sorry you're too sensitive & mentally slow to realize I was making a generic joke about all blondes. I didn't think you were stupid, until now."

New controversial cast mate this season, Carlton Gebbia, was a guest on our show. And I will say, that was a fun hour bull shitting with her blunt sense of humor. Wow... I thought I said fuck a lot.

Enjoy the highlights from my irreverent, no holding back Recap of the show. A little over a minute and I'm sure you'll be entertained and possibly share the same viewpoints. Tweet me your favorite housewife or what you love about the show at @JillAnenberg