Friday, August 30, 2013

Bridesmaids Bullshit!

When a girl is asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding it's really exciting.  Until the bride lists all the shit you have to pay for.  We’re talking bridal shower, ugly ass dress, gifts….I thought screw her, you know this ho is gonna end up divorced in 2 years anyway.  But you wanna be a good friend so you end up listening to her bitch about her mother in law for the next 6 months while wedding her planning.

The bride always says, “I know the bridesmaid dress is expensive, but you can totally wear it again.”  Like where bitch?  I’ll wear it when she's crying on my shoulder about her divorce.  And when she thinks I’ve ran out of use,  I’m gonna spray paint it black and wear it to her funeral.  Rest in peace slut.

What’s the point of having a rehearsal dinner?  Like 3 marriages before, are not rehearsal enough. 

The secret to a great wedding is in two words: open bar…you know that always leads to open legs!

My last irritation is why do girls always register at the boring department stores for home goods?  Wouldn't you agree it would be a better honeymoon with registry at the Hustler Store. Cause really, how many times are you going to use a crock pot compared to handcuffs and a leather whip. 

Love to hair your wedding pet peeves @jillanenberg

Friday, August 23, 2013

Simon's Sneaky Semen

So Simon Cowell is gonna be a Dad.  For someone who always put work first and claimed he didn't want to be a father, all it took was porking his best friend's wife and a birth control lie.

While Lauren’s relationship went south with her husband Andrew, so did she with Simon.   Is it awkward if they ask him to be the Godfather?  Upon hearing the two were hooking up Andrew asked, “Hey Simon, how’s my dick taste?”

Simon says he's excited to be a Dad, in other words- hiring a night nurse, 2 nannies and a new whore to bang when Lauren’s to pregnant to bone.

More babies on the way.  Kim Zolciak is having twins.  As if one more child with her DNA wasn't bad enough.  At least she'll have one set of twins that are real!

Kim said, “I can’t believe I’m gonna be a Mom to 6.” Believe it, your lose vajayjay will remind you. Girlfriend I've got 2 words of advice. Daddy stitch.

What are your thoughts?! Tweet me @jillanenberg

Friday, August 16, 2013

Crazy Cakes

My philosophy for most things in life is why not go all out or a bit over the top if you can!? This applies 100% to birthday cakes! A simple plain sheet cake doesn't convey Happy Birthday the way a creative, perverted cake does.

If you've drank enough while celebrating, most of your special day might be forgotten, but not these memorable cakes!

Some tips...

     Be inspired by something that gained online popularity. Yeah this cake is the shit! ;)

Play on words. "Have your cake and eat it too"
The big question is where do you make the first slice?

                  Who doesn't like a tasty cockcake? These are great for kids birthdays!

Do you have a wild and fun cake? Tweet me a pic @jillanenberg

Friday, August 2, 2013

Panty Party

As a woman, the first article of clothing we put on is the most stop with the ugly undies.  Many think, "Oh if I'm wearing tattered chonies, then I won't let my date take my pants off." Wrong ho.  You will and he'll think you don't know Victorias' Secret.  I know what else you're thinking, "But they're so comfortable and worn in." Exactly, they're worn in from overuse in the wrong way and those holes don't say sexy they say yuck! 

Men's underwear can be a deal breaker too. If one decides to rock boxers, all I imagine is your nuts free flowing and boxing each other all day. Tighty whities that look like an over sized diaper are no good either.  Usually running a size too large, inevitably have skid marks and leave way to much room for an assumed undersized package.

Lastly I have to address camel toe.  You can feel it and it's less offensive to just pick it than leave it.  Otherwise you'll end up in a meme!
Just say no to granny panties, period undies and boxers with cartoons.