Thursday, December 19, 2013

Santa's a Perv!


I'm shocked that in today's world parents still allow their children to sit on a complete strangers lap and whisper to him their wish lists.  An older man rockin' a creepy long beard (with probably other unkept hairy body parts) holds these little kids, take pictures with them and make them believe he's going to sneak into their house and bring presents...oh but only if they're good.

All of it sounds so creepy to me.  "Hey there little girl. Santa's only going to come if you've been good.  Did Daddy spank you this year? Did you like it?"



Friday, December 13, 2013

BH Housewife Ho's!


Let me start off by saying I don't watch any other Housewives show except for Beverly Hills.  There's just something about these women and their families having an exorbitant amount of money and still acting like catty back stabbing bitches that brings me back for more.  Bravo did a great job casting these extremely outspoken girls with very different personalities.

In this weeks Episode 6, the ladies headed to Palm Springs for a "relaxing" weekend.  That was absolutely not gonna happen being that they brought their favorite accessory...Brandi! I love her and the unfiltered things that come out of her mouth, but of course the super critical Richards' sisters and new comer Joyce, who Brandi just can't seem to call the right name because she says it sounds like a big fat pig, can't handle her humor.  Since Kyle's burned bridges with all the others, of course she's kissing Joyce's tight tanned ass.

I'm convinced even the camera men fight over which women they are going to film because clearly some are so much more fun...aka undressed, funny, sassy than others. Actually, watching Kim do her camera confessionals is uncomfortable and awkward.

After arriving in hot ass Palm Springs they're being lame about getting in the pool. That's the only activity there- why come to a place in the triple digits if you're not gonna strip down? Stop complaining about the heat and rock your suit and let your hair down.

Carlton is my new favorite this season. She's just a bad ass. She revealed to the other girls a tattoo that reads "F...You" on her well toned bicep. As well, that she is a practicing Wiccan. I know she explained that it's all about caring for what's on the earth, but I'd love to see her cast a spell on a few of these assholes.



The friendship kiss she shared with Brandi was awesome! Um...they are sharing a room as well, wonder what else will lock in their friendship.

The dinner was a disaster. Joyce was hosting the weekend and no one gave her any respect, understandably. Like Brandi kept saying she's just super annoying. She's such a pageant girl who hides behind her smile and doesn't show real emotion...I can't wait for her to lose her shit on them!

The dinner comes to an end with Brandi telling Joyce, "Oh go f@ck yourself," that's just her way of saying shut up. Then telling Kyle, "You seem sweet and then you become this crazy asshole." Yep I get it and think Bravo does too because that's how they ended the show.

Can't wait for next week. Tweet me your thoughts! @jillanenberg 

Friday, November 22, 2013

Kmart's Jingle Balls!

Kmart released a funny yet controversial Joe Boxer commercial with models jingling their junk to a Christmas tune.  I thought it was hilarious...but if you look on their Facebook Page there's a few people with their Joe Boxers up their ass!

Finally men’s bodies are used to make a joke and these uptight prudes are bitching about it. “My kids are going to see this.” They’re also watching Kim and Kanye’s porno “music video” on Youtube and listening at your door to daddy pound that ass while you tell him your holiday wish list. Lighten up. 

 
Guess this means every time there's a Blue Light Special at Kmart the male employees have to give 2 for 1 lap dances.



Watch the commercial here and find out why- 
"Every time their bell's ring...a middle aged woman has a hot flash!"


Friday, November 15, 2013

Hotel Sex...Yessss!!!


One of the best parts of traveling is hotel sex! Some people might argue that's one of the main attractions to getting away.  Even if the guests in the room next to you hear, who cares it's not your roommate or anyone that can bitch to you about it.  The more the room costs the louder you should be.  Do the dirty all over that room...you're not serving Sunday dinner on that dining table so let him carve your ass on it. 

It's nice to know neither of you are in charge of clean up. Leave the sheets messy, call down for more towels and relax in hotel robes.  Your water bill is included in the price of admission so continue your weekend of love in the shower. And when you're too lazy to stand bring that party to the tub using up every single tiny soap to make that tub a fucking bubble extravaganza. 


Splurge on a porn that you watch at max volume levels. No kids are interrupting Daddy on this vacation...oh but Daddy's still giving someone a spanking.  Neither of you have to cook up a big after sex feast...rock paper scissors for who picks up the phone to order room service.  Leave the porn playing while you're aphrodisiac delight is delivered...you never know what sexy bellhop might have threesome on her fuck-it list. 

At the end of the round, put your phones on silent, Do Not Disturb on the door and pass the fuck out with the comfort of no one waking you up...except for your sexy partner tapping you on the shoulder for more.Ok no one's tapping shoulders here.  Happy F#cking!
 

Friday, November 8, 2013

My First Shower Scene!

Booking an Oil of Olay Commercial was very exciting! Aside from the fact that both my first audition and call back I wore a bikini, the thought never crossed my mind how little I'd actually be wearing during filming.  I've always had the entertainment motto, "I'll do almost any job, with my clothes on."  Well, I did have clothes on...just barely enough to cover the goods.  Guess next time I need to be more specific.

Yep this is my "wardrobe"! WTF right.  Of course, no one asked me to return my wet "clothing" at the end of the shoot.  Maybe one day I'll sell it at a charity auction ;)
It's a good thing I work out, had no butt pimples and am not shy stripping down in front of a 10 person crew on the immediate set.  Not to mention how many more Producers were watching from the Monitors in the other room giving me direction on how to properly suds my arms or legs.

      Grab a loofah, here we go...
              Click here for Commercial 
Tweet me at @jillanenberg

Friday, November 1, 2013

Top 5 2013 Halloween Costumes!!

There were a lot of really great costumes inspired from trends and celebrities this year. You know I had to break them down "Jill thinks like Jack" style! Check out the video at the bottom from my "SayWhat?" Web Show... we go balls to the wall on this one, I'm even in a big tittied costume PLUS there's a kick ass surprise at the end! 

Number 5- Grumpy Cat


  •  Perfect for women who’ve been recently dumped and hate all men...No guy will hit on this unhappy bitch. 
  • If you’re a pessimist or negative Nancy- this face gives you permission to complain about everything all night.  

Number 4- 50 Shades Of Grey


  • Chicks who’ve read the book get horny just looking at you. This guy better get laid or he’s got no game!! 50 Shades of Blue Balls! 
  • Pick up line for this guy, “My costume’s wasted enough paper, I don’t want to waste rubber too…how about I hand cuff and raw dog you bitch!”

Number 3- Duck Dynasty 




  • Finally an opportunity for girls to ask guys, does the drape match the rug. And if it does, no date until he manscapes. Give me a hardwood floor ;)

  • I wouldn’t want to be hungover in this costume…that beard. You barf just one time…and you're decorated in your night's festivities.





Number 2-Sexy Breaking Bad 


  • I think wearing this costume discreetly indicates you’re the guy who’s selling at the party.


  • While you're at it...why not smoke up some "sexy" meth, get arrested by a "sexy" cop, and end up in "sexy" jail where you will seriously be someone's bitch for the next 10 years.




Number 1-Miley & Robin Thicke


  • This costume sold out immediately in West Hollywood...hey it's a guaranteed finger in your ass.   
  • “Don’t give a shit attitude and flat ass” sold separately.










Top 5 2013 Halloween Costume's by "SayWhat?"

Friday, October 25, 2013

50 Shades of #Horny



I was late to the game reading 50 Shades of Grey but that didn't change my reaction to it. This book should come with a serious warning- "Must be in a relationship, have a fuck buddy or loose morals to bone the next person you see after reading."

This was the first book by the author EL James. How long was she holding in all these thoughts?! I'd love to read her diary or be a fly on the wall in her bedroom. A mother of two...imagine when her kids read these books, will it be weird the content your mom thought of & wrote is turning you on?

I hadn't heard of Jamie Dornan before but we all recognize him from the sexy Calvin Klein Ads. He will definitely do in the role of Christian Grey.

Expected release date Aug 2014. I like that...during a hot steamy month. I predict a boom in baby births come June 2015 ;)

Friday, October 11, 2013

ByeBye Kris & Bruce Jenner!



So Kris and Bruce Jenner are splitting up. How's anyone surprised? Many people couldn't believe it came after 22 years. Really? I can't believe it lasted that long. Can you imagine being married to that fame obsessed, controlling, emasculating, family whorring, embarrasing bitch. She did manage to make millions for her fat, hairy daughters so I'll give her credit there.

Kris is making the best of the situation of course and is currently in talks with E! developing her new pilot "Kris the Cougar".

Kris has always wanted to be one of the sister's and not a Mom...no way she'd let Khloe get all the attention with her split.


Bruce kept a straight face all these years and never showed unhappiness...he actually hasn't shown any facial expressions since his botched face lift.

What do you think? Tweet me @JillAnenberg

Friday, September 27, 2013

Charlie for the Defense


     So Charlie Sheen was called in for Jury Duty...seriously!? Who thought this was a good idea? I’m a fan of Charlie...as an actor.  But what has our society come to when they allow a man who’s a womanizer, a public coke head & claimed he was a Warlock judging another person’s life.
Sending Charlie Sheen to jury duty is a lot like sending the Devil to find his next coke connection slash murder victim.  Oh Wait!...That's EXACTLY what this is!  Watch out!

Charlie's was hoping that instead of selecting any other jury members, the judge would just pick him and the 11 other voices inside his head. Hey it would save on tax payer's money.

Gotta love Charlie chatting it up with paparazzi as he finishes his cigarette and says he'd prefer a multiple homicide case.  I wouldn't expect anything less from Charlie, go big or go home.



Friday, September 20, 2013

Eerie Eminem



We all saw Eminem's awkward ESPN appearance and couldn't understand why he was acting the weird way he was.  I think I've got it all figured out!

You can't blame him for his reaction, he was stunned because about 5 seconds before they went live, someone showed him that scene in "8 Mile" when he bones Brittany Murphy.  Damn that shit's hot!  Transitioning from dirty factory sex to a live interview with one decaying broadcaster... yeah homeboy was recovering.
That was the longest length of time I’ve ever heard Eminem talk without cussing!  I was impressed and at the same time, disappointed.  I mean not even one f-bomb Marshall Mathers!?  Here's a few words that flew off my tounge that I'm sure Em was thinking... 
                                                             Click here! Rant from "SayWhat?" Series!! 
 
Eminem kept saying, “Live TV makes me nervous.”  He just needed to elaborate-  “Oh that’s the strain of weed I’m smoking…it’s called Live TV!”  We still love you Eminem!


Friday, September 13, 2013

"TEXAS" The Movie!

Get your cowboy boots and hat ready because this up and coming short film is bringin' it large Texas style!

I had the special honor of an early screening and I was truly blown away.  This film, "Texas" was written and directed by the multi-talented Matt Johnson.  Set in the desert at the state lines of Oklahoma and Texas, cinematographer Robert Uncles grasps the setting magically.  I could feel the desert sun beating down, the particles of dust flying around in the wind and the emotion running through the lead actors veins.  The movie encapsulates a unique love story between two riveting characters.  The big question, "Will Chuck Houston's charming yet stubborn character cross state lines to be with his estranged wife whom he still desperately loves?"  Of course I personally love the sass, strength and perfectly used Southern ladylike
"curse words" said by Zachary Barton in defense of her own honor to not cross back into Texas.

There's a touching throwback to an old video of the couples courtship which authentically feels as if it was resurrected from the basement, it's captured and shot just brilliantly! Not to forget, a pretty cute pup makes a scene stealing cameo.  "Texas" ends with a surprising twist and pulls on the heart strings.  Matt Johnson has managed to create a masterpiece that reaches all demographics. An older couple could relate and laugh about being stuck in their "doggone ways" and reminiscing about their own love story.  The younger crowd, such as myself, will really enjoy the stunning cinematography, quick tongued dialogue and climactic ending.

A beautiful performance by lead male, Chuck Houston and lead female, Zachary Barton.

"Texas" currently has two upcoming film festival screenings!
The Vancouver International Film Festival and Louisville's International Festival of Film.

Information on the premiere's and other fun details can be found on their Facebook Page:
www.facebook.com/texasthemovie Remember to "like" them and share with your friends :)


If you have a twitter account, follow them on twitter right now so you don't miss out on awesome updates.  
I have a good feeling you'll soon be reading about "Texas" receiving Festival Awards.



Friday, September 6, 2013

Miley Madness



Even though the VMA's were almost 2 weeks ago, people are still talking about Miley's skanky performance. Obviously Miley has Daddy issues! I've never seen a performer bring all their stuffed animals on stage with them. 


Robin’s wife was extremely offended. Not because Miley’s ass was rubbin’ all over his junk but because compared to the large foam finger, it made him look small.


Everyone keeps wondering why Miley masterbated with a foam finger... because even she doesn’t want to touch herself without out protection.

Yes I agree Miley's outfits were awful but what about Robin Thicke who was dressed like friggin Beatlejuice.  Beatlejuice Beatlejuice Beatlejuice- can you please scare Miley and make this twerking bitch disappear!

VMA officially now stands for- Violating miley’s ass

Friday, August 30, 2013

Bridesmaids Bullshit!

 
When a girl is asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding it's really exciting.  Until the bride lists all the shit you have to pay for.  We’re talking bridal shower, ugly ass dress, gifts….I thought screw her, you know this ho is gonna end up divorced in 2 years anyway.  But you wanna be a good friend so you end up listening to her bitch about her mother in law for the next 6 months while wedding her planning.

The bride always says, “I know the bridesmaid dress is expensive, but you can totally wear it again.”  Like where bitch?  I’ll wear it when she's crying on my shoulder about her divorce.  And when she thinks I’ve ran out of use,  I’m gonna spray paint it black and wear it to her funeral.  Rest in peace slut.

What’s the point of having a rehearsal dinner?  Like 3 marriages before, are not rehearsal enough. 
 

The secret to a great wedding is in two words: open bar…you know that always leads to open legs!

My last irritation is why do girls always register at the boring department stores for home goods?  Wouldn't you agree it would be a better honeymoon with registry at the Hustler Store. Cause really, how many times are you going to use a crock pot compared to handcuffs and a leather whip. 




Love to hair your wedding pet peeves @jillanenberg