Friday, August 31, 2012

Sick Ass Summer Toes!

Just because it's hot outside doesn't mean it's ok for everyone to wear sandals and expose their sick ass toes.  Most likely your feet recently came out of hybernation and haven't been prepped for their summer unveiling.  

Here's a few tips in case you're not sure. 

1) Your toenails are dirty & jagged

2) Your heels have more ridges than a 100 year old tree

3) There's hair you haven't waxed yet

The good news is, all you gotta do is walk your grungy feet into any nail salon, let them bust out the hack saw on your tootsies and take a few layers off your heels. Ladies paint your toe nails a bright color to distract from any other issues your feet might have.  And if you are sportin' hair on your feet, just know that's the only thing that will keep you warm bc no one's gonna play footsies with that!  If you're not taking care of your toes...what else on your body is being neglected? Paint them toes pretty so when they're wrapped around your guys neck you can admire your nice looking feet instead of kill the mood ;)

Happy Summer!

Friday, August 24, 2012

Bronzed Boner

The Olympics were very exciting to watch, but maybe more exciting for the athletes receiving medals.  It was rumored Henrik Rummel might have been sportin' an oar in his shorts awards day. He denied it. Ok, so maybe Henrik didn't have an erection and just a really large limp penis.  If he was erect, those shorts wouldn't hide the whole thing! The tip would be creeping out pollenating his victory flowers!  

If that monster's what you're working with soft, he may have won a bronze in rowing but Rummel's got the gold in his pants. Ya feel me ladies!

I'm surprised he rowed as fast as he did considering there's an anchor between his legs. It's a shame no one gave him the benefit of the doubt, he's just showing his dedication to our country and saluting the flag. His team mates must hate him because now we all notice how small their junk is. This athlete's obviously not on steroids bc nothing on his body is shrinking!  When he's over being an Olympian competing in the water he can try his "non big ass boner" between the sheets in porn!

Friday, August 17, 2012

Tickled by Ted!

One of my favorite summer movies is a comedy of course, Ted! I thought Seth McFarlane's one of a kind raunchy, slightly offensive humor was spot on.

 I absolutely loved that a cuddly adorable teddy bear was the character with the worst language and a huge stoner.  What makes Family Guy so awesome is that they push the limits.  No disappointment in this film, plenty of lines left me thinking, "Wow he really just said that!"  Ted dared a hooker to take a crap in the apartment...and she did!  There were lots of funny pop culture references and hilarious 80's throwbacks!  
What made the 8th grader in me, wait that sounds weird, my 13 year old sense of humor in me happy was all the fart jokes that had me laughing so hard I farted. So that's a double plus! Well not for the people sitting around me ;)

  If you're a fan of Family Guy you will love "Ted"...even if you're not, this movie will change your perspective and you won't help but laugh your ass off.  The humor is quick, insulting and down right hilarious.

Not to forget, Mila Kunis is always an added bonus because she's definitely a hot piece of comedic ass!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Top Dog Wins

                                                          Have a Great Day!!

This is my dog Luke...the one on top of course.  Just having his way in front of ongoing traffic.  Even though it's an animalistic domination, I came away with some hump for thought. In life, you gotta go after what you want, balls to the wall, no holding back.  I'm not saying get her drunk and take advantage or vice versa- liquor up the guy, bone and pull the goalie.  If you don't know that phrase, here's a definition from one of my favorite websites, "Urban Dictionary."

1.pulling the goalie226 up39 down
Usually in reference to a married couple, pulling the goalie means to stop the use of contraceptive devices, in the hopes of conveiving a child. Derived from the hockey term.
You guys are pregnant! I didn't even know you were pulling the goalie!
You have nothing to lose by asking for what you desire, the worst someone can say is no and then at least you tried.  No one ever wants to look back and wonder what if, you want to look in front of you and think, damn straight I'm fucking doing this! Take Luke's advice this week, grab the bull by the horns and just go for it!

Let me know what you're going after! @jillanenberg