Friday, April 22, 2011

The Bond of Boobies

When you hear the words bachelorette party, what are the common images that come to ones mind?  Binge drinking out of penis tipped straws, unbriddled drunken debauchery, perhaps even a few strippers?
Yes, yes and yes! The fundamental difference between the guys and girls parties is that everything happens internally. Allow me to us girls, it's known as The Tata Circle of Trust.  Something interesting occurs when you get a group of rowdy girls together celebrating the last nights of their friend’s single hood.  Everyone’s closet lezbo comes out!  There’s not a set of hooters that go un-hooted!  WE become the strippers! (Don’t get me wrong, often times there is the real thing, however, this generally constitutes a greased up- well hung closet homosexual stripper airplaning his “wing” in your face....this is never a turn on, just a story to tell) 

The “lingerie shower” turns into a lady lumps fashion show showcasing your new fun bags Mr. FiancĂ© got you for your engagement present, how thoughtful.

It’s a time to let loose without being loose, well except for everyone’s token slutty friend.  Again, she ends up blowing the stripper for the story.  Sorry ho, ya didn’t turn him straight, who does’t love a free bj?!  We traveled up to Ojai last weekend to celebrate with my good friend and stayed at a spa.  While the majority of the girls participated in a mud bath (I’m bummed I didn’t join after hearing the graphic details of the event), we had a private bathtub photoshoot heating up in our room.  What’s traditionally an innocent bathing routine evolved into a hot, sudsy, boner inducing text message cock tease!

Why do we girls do such things on B-parties…bc we can! Guys don’t wanna take pics of each other’s junk or juggle their balls…but who wouldn’t want to motorboat some melons.

Just the Tip:
1) Always make the bride to be wear something with a dick on her.
2) Text her future hubby a pic with another girl holding her bare tits w/ the caption, “Lezzie experience checked off list.”
3) If you’re gonna play lame games, at least make sure that alcohol's involved!

Friday, April 8, 2011

“Dog Snatch Catcher”

Getting a puppy for guys is literally the yellow brick road to coochie. It easily draws chicks to you, gets them on their knees petting your pooch and boom instant conversation.  Every girl who is worth dating or banging should have a love for pets.  You want them to love your beast right?!  As an animal lover myself, I can’t help but pet someone’s dog.  There’s something about an adorable pup that is irresistible and can initially hide the owners flaws.  Which leaves just enough time to let your fleabag charm her while you reap the benefits of her phone number.
A few weeks ago my husband and I adopted a dog.  It wasn’t planned, I like to say I forgot to take my puppy birth control.  At first we thought, “Oh we’ll just go look and say hi.”  Next thing you know we are walking to the car carrying this precious white vajayjay magnet.  Doesn’t matter I have a ring on my finger and I’m walking right next to him, girls are stopping my honey every 20 feet to pet his new puppy.  I’ve always thought my “dog snatch catcher” theory to be true, but this really proved it.

Meet Simon aka chick bait
If you are single, get your dog out there in public or borrow a friends’ and go meet some fur loving girls.  Yes you might be using your pooch to reel em’ in but it will take your personality to keep em’.