Saturday, December 31, 2011

Ring in the New Year with a Bang!





One thing all guys and girls agree on... New Years Eve is the one holiday we all want to get some action!  As midnight rolls around, we hope the drinks, revealing outfits and cheesy pick up lines ensure a new years kiss.

As a connoisseur of all types of love, whether you meet your partner tonight or have your first one night stand of the new year, let me provide the rants that will get you in their pants.

Here are a few of my favorite pick up lines…
  • Want to ring in the new year with a bang? 
Shwing!

  • So you want to see two balls drop?

  • Say, "I bet I can kiss you on the lips without touching you." Then kiss her and tell her you lost the bet.  Double or nothing?!

  • Is your name Osteoporosis? Because you're giving me a serious bone condition.

  • You remind me of the movie "Scarface" cause I want you to say hello to my little friend.

  • Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at pick up lines...nice tits.

  • Can I be the last guy you sleep with this year? We've still got 10 minutes.



Have a great New Year!! Be safe, have fun and wrap it before you slap it! Sending you your first kiss. xo JiLL

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

PJ's or BJ's

Anyone who knows me…or slightly knows me, can tell you I’m not a girly girl. The majority of the stylish things I have are hand me downs, I don’t own anything pink and I’d rather rock a ponytail than use up 30 minutes blowing and curling my hair (insert blow joke here!) 

My favorite outfit is pajama’s or sweats! Hell I’m wearing them now. I will choose comfort over sexy any day and my husband of course hates it.  But I hate that girls always feel obligated to dress to the nines when guys can wear anything & still look hot.  Yes it might be a double standard and totally unfair, but who doesn’t love a man in sweats...aka boner in cotton pants!

As I thought about all this, my light bulb went on just as his boner died. Jammies’s are cute but no one really wants to have sex with cute…well maybe a pedophile, I know- yuck! 

I realized it’s ok to be a little bit girly and step up the pj’s …no more footed jam’s.  Even though the easy access back does come in handy. Sometimes I think Victoria’s secret is that the thong is so far up your ass, you just want to take them off. Hence sexy time!

I think one of the reasons girls act bitchier than dudes is bc they’ve squeezed into a tight dress, are forced to suck in all night, pad their bra to perk up the girls, shave (everything), tan, paint nails and attempt to strut 
(often times buzzed) in 4 inch stilts.  Hey you’d be a dick too! 

I say wear what makes you feel good. Ladies jam out with your clam out and dudes sleep in the buff and show off your stuff.






Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Movember & Moustache Ride’s

You may have noticed some men sporting super sexy or maybe funny moustaches this month.  At first I thought it was to give them more reason to ask girls, “Hey want a moustache ride?” then I found out, it was for much more.


After registering at www.movember.com, for the rest of the month guys let their hair down and groom and wax their stache into a conversation piece. The cause is really great and will get a girl to respect you much more than spirting out the former moustache line.  These guys are raising awareness for issues related to men’s health, primarily prostate and testicular cancer. And we want our men and their balls healthy and strong so if asked nicely, us girls are happy to help out.



At the end of November huge parties are held to celebrate their new facial designs and fundraising.  Whether he grew a flavor savor, chin curtain or a porn star stache I can appreciate and maybe even be turned on by it!  But no, this doesn’t give guys the permission to say, “You can shave me if I can shave you.” 

If you haven’t supported a cool dude yet and want to, support my good friend Dave’s non-shaving efforts by making a donation at: http://mobro.co/DavidUllmar

                                                     Just the Tip:

1) According to the Guinness Book of World Records, in July 1993, Kalyan Ramji Sain of India, had a mustache that measured 133.4 inches long. That's twice as long as me!

2) A U.S. Marine’s mustache cannot be longer than half an inch. But I’m sure he makes up in length elsewhere.

3) Why not get the pets involved

Friday, September 16, 2011

You are what you eat!


Gone are the days of mindless eating…or they should be.  There’s a reason why this phrase became popular… “Wine, dine…you know the rest.”  Or maybe you don’t if you’re just taking your lovely lady to McDonalds or cooking your man a can of boring soup.

Food can be an expression of art, love and thoughtfully put together aphrodisiac ensembles.  The word aphrodisiac originated from a festival celebrating the Greek goddess of love, Aphrodite.  Her worshippers, our men today, feasted on yummy food and after the tradition it led to a night of sex acts.  Hence, the idea of good food leading to good lovin’.

Especially now while the economy sucks- have date night at home and hopefully you’ll be making more than dinner!


Take advantage of the hot sexy weather and bring your afternoon date to a Farmers Market. Pick out a few phallic vegetables, fish and fresh fruit.  Have fun flirting in the kitchen while you bathe your vegi’s and fruit, dice and sizzle up your meal.  Get corny and stand behind your lady and help sautĂ© the vegi’s.  Show her what's getting hard while the vegi's get soft.  Get cute and feed your man tastes of the work in progress from your fingers. Tip- just make sure they are nicely manicured!



And don’t forget dessert…A sweet ending to your evening in more ways than one.  Lucky in love edibles.  We all know the “sweet” benefits of pineapple.  So why not make a pineapple upside down cake that will hopefully end with you upside down on the kitchen table. 

Top it all off with a little wine or a fun cocktail… I like to call it Love Potion number #9.

Just the tip:
1) Dip everything in CHOCOLATE.  It increases the amount of serotonin in your body & contains theobromine, a stimulant.  So you will feel good and have the energy to do something about it!

2) Pour honey on your honey.  It increases libido!  It also aids in stamina...ride em' cowgirl!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Show Me Your Down Dog!

Don't get too excited, that's not me ;)


Face down, ass up that’s the way I like to workout! 






If I told you there was a workout where you could stare at a toned tushy and lose weight would you sign up?! Hell yeah you would.  So get your butt into a yoga class and get ready for a down dog inducing sweaty workout that works every muscle in your body. There are a variety of exercises available to us and many only the female gender seems to dominate. Guys what’s up with that!? Sure we all hike and it’s nice to see hot girls in their short shorts and buff guys in their tank tops, but it’s only a 20 second glimpse.  Not long enough to really form a solid remembrance for later on (wink wink). Why not spend an hour watching the girl, or guy in front of you continuously touch their toes and flaunt that yoga booty in your face!
 

When I’m in class I seriously think to myself, “If I were a lesbian I’d totally be a yoga instructor.” So if I ever get divorced and change professions you know what happened there. 


My best friend is a yoga teacher and some of her advanced moves have become party tricks. Who doesn’t want to see a hot chick with her legs behind her head! Start taking class and that could be you! Or guys, take class and you could meet that girl and if you’re lucky enough get a private lesson in the comfort of your own home. But if that doesn't work out for you, maybe just maybe you can get flexible enough...

Contrary to what some may assume, yoga actually builds up quite a sweat. You leave feeling centered, motivated and with a rush of endorphins released. Perfect time to hit on that hottie you had your eye on during practice. I’d assume at least half the people participating in yoga classes do so for the spiritual, mind/body calming effects- in short, less crazy bitches.


Not to forget the outfits either. In an effort to maximize full flexibility, you’re encouraged to sport spandex, sports bras and overall form fitting attire.  The hardest thing about this workout is hiding your “up dog” in tight clothes.



So go put on your tightest, sexiest outfit, grab a yoga mat and who knows, you might be doing more than yoga on it!



Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Chick Flicks

With Memorial Day marking the unofficial beginning of summer, it’s time to knock the dust off of my favorite warm-weather outfits.  Girls are sporting mini skirts, guys showing off their guns, and of course we’re saying no to the butter on our popcorn. We all know that summertime loves Chick Flicks.  I can hear the guys moaning already.  But trust me, if you just hang in there and go with your girl, you’ll be moaning again sooner than you think ;)

Dude, think about what happens during a rom-com (romantic comedy).  The funny dialogue makes for an evening of smiles, laughter and an overall good mood.  Meanwhile, you had to provide zero energy for that mood alteration.  There’s always a story of overcoming some ridiculous obstacle and the couple ends up together happy and kissing & live happily ever after.  Cut to- you walk out of the theater hand in hand, laughing, impersonating characters and their funny lines, the mood is romantic JUST BECAUSE OF THE MOVIE and next thing you know this chick flick turned the rest of the evening into a dick flick!  The paint by numbers plot line of romance will leave you painting your way from 1st base to rounding 3rd and if you’re slick (or she’s a ho) hitting a home run! This won’t just be another tear jerker, but a… ok you get the point.

Guys, the more times you watch Ashton Kutcher deliver a sappy line gives you credits to drag her ass to another Iron Man sequel.  Another thought girls, make it a real chick, “chick flick” night and go with the ladies.  This will give your guy a chance to miss you and you a chance to refill your love meter without sucking the fun out of his day…just his night ;)

Just the tip:
    1) Splurge on candy at the theater, especially chocolate bc it’s an aphrodisiac!
    2) Wear that mini skirt ladies and don’t forget to shave…everything!

My favorite chick flicks:
My Best Friend’s Wedding
Something About Mary
Dirty Dancing














Friday, April 22, 2011

The Bond of Boobies


When you hear the words bachelorette party, what are the common images that come to ones mind?  Binge drinking out of penis tipped straws, unbriddled drunken debauchery, perhaps even a few strippers?
  
Yes, yes and yes! The fundamental difference between the guys and girls parties is that everything happens internally. Allow me to clairfy....to us girls, it's known as The Tata Circle of Trust.  Something interesting occurs when you get a group of rowdy girls together celebrating the last nights of their friend’s single hood.  Everyone’s closet lezbo comes out!  There’s not a set of hooters that go un-hooted!  WE become the strippers! (Don’t get me wrong, often times there is the real thing, however, this generally constitutes a greased up- well hung closet homosexual stripper airplaning his “wing” in your face....this is never a turn on, just a story to tell) 

The “lingerie shower” turns into a lady lumps fashion show showcasing your new fun bags Mr. FiancĂ© got you for your engagement present, how thoughtful.


It’s a time to let loose without being loose, well except for everyone’s token slutty friend.  Again, she ends up blowing the stripper for the story.  Sorry ho, ya didn’t turn him straight, who does’t love a free bj?!  We traveled up to Ojai last weekend to celebrate with my good friend and stayed at a spa.  While the majority of the girls participated in a mud bath (I’m bummed I didn’t join after hearing the graphic details of the event), we had a private bathtub photoshoot heating up in our room.  What’s traditionally an innocent bathing routine evolved into a hot, sudsy, boner inducing text message cock tease!

Why do we girls do such things on B-parties…bc we can! Guys don’t wanna take pics of each other’s junk or juggle their balls…but who wouldn’t want to motorboat some melons.


Just the Tip:
1) Always make the bride to be wear something with a dick on her.
2) Text her future hubby a pic with another girl holding her bare tits w/ the caption, “Lezzie experience checked off list.”
3) If you’re gonna play lame games, at least make sure that alcohol's involved!




Friday, April 8, 2011

“Dog Snatch Catcher”







Getting a puppy for guys is literally the yellow brick road to coochie. It easily draws chicks to you, gets them on their knees petting your pooch and boom instant conversation.  Every girl who is worth dating or banging should have a love for pets.  You want them to love your beast right?!  As an animal lover myself, I can’t help but pet someone’s dog.  There’s something about an adorable pup that is irresistible and can initially hide the owners flaws.  Which leaves just enough time to let your fleabag charm her while you reap the benefits of her phone number.
 
A few weeks ago my husband and I adopted a dog.  It wasn’t planned, I like to say I forgot to take my puppy birth control.  At first we thought, “Oh we’ll just go look and say hi.”  Next thing you know we are walking to the car carrying this precious white vajayjay magnet.  Doesn’t matter I have a ring on my finger and I’m walking right next to him, girls are stopping my honey every 20 feet to pet his new puppy.  I’ve always thought my “dog snatch catcher” theory to be true, but this really proved it.

Meet Simon aka chick bait
If you are single, get your dog out there in public or borrow a friends’ and go meet some fur loving girls.  Yes you might be using your pooch to reel em’ in but it will take your personality to keep em’.